As if STDs, illegitimate pregnancies and religion weren’t enough to scare folks into not having sex, now we have to contend with the almighty toothed vagina? Perhaps I should use the technical term and call it what it is – Vagina Dentata – which is Latin for toothed vagina and that is exactly what we are dealing with in the niche flick Teeth. Unfortunately for those reading reviews you are going to go into the film knowing this detail. Even though it is never a huge secret from the start of the picture I think it would be wild going into it with a blank slate.
The film stars Jess Weixler as Dawn, a blooming high school student who has chosen to suppress her sexual appetite by heading up a local chastity group. Her attempts at purity, however, are tested at every turn. At home there is her miscreant brother Brad, played by the Michael Jackson look-a-like John Hensley from “nip/tuck”. Brad is a bit of a bad boy who has some severe personal issues along with an overwhelming love for anal sex.
Despite family issues, Dawn’s womanly problems are soon going to find her in a sort of trouble she never anticipated. Not knowing the existence of her vaginal choppers she becomes the victim of sexual assault, which as you may have guessed, ends with her attacker looking down to find he is sans penis.
Teeth is meant to be a dark comedy as Dawn explores her medical irregularity leaving a path of blood and death in her wake, but the comedic element never really surfaces. I will admit the film is intriguing as the idea itself is enough to warrant the 88 minute running time, but I think most audiences will be laughing more out of the uncomfortable nature of it all rather than any real humor.
The film is an origin story of sorts that would lend itself well to a Teeth franchise, which could go the way of such comedic horrors as the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise in its own twisted fashion. Once you get to the end of the film there is a realization that there is a lot more story to tell, and one you may actually tune in to watch should another be made.
Weixler has a short filmography and is an obvious newcomer as she only appears to be comfortable in the role about 50% of the time, but I am not sure exactly what kind of girl it would take to pull this off with any kind of perfection. Hensley is one of the creepiest looking actors around, and to top it off he is a terrible actor. His appearance in the film is distracting and serves more as an interruption to the story than anything else. That is of course, unless he is punching folks, which may be the funniest scene in the whole damn movie.
The most interesting part of the story may be that it was written, directed and produced by the 51-year-old Mitchell Lichtenstein who before this had only directed one other film and was a D-level actor in the past. Where exactly you come up with this story is beyond me, but he definitely manages to capture your attention with this movie that never tires and is just the right length for the subject matter.
Teeth is far from a masterpiece, but it is so off the wall it is something interested moviegoers should definitely check out. Trust me, you aren’t going to see a lot of movies like this, and when one comes along that is half decent it is worth a trip to the theater.
