You ever hear of this place called Antarctica? Of course you have, it’s the place with all the cute little penguins from that documentary you saw four years ago.
However, did you know it is the coldest, most isolated landmass on the planet? Okay, you probably knew that too, just not in such threatening terms. But you better get ready, because the blistering cold and lonely continent is about to bore you stiff in a film that isn’t as much awful as it is just plain dumb.
Whiteout has been delayed for as long as I can remember after first seeing footage from it back at the 2007 Comic Con, again at Comic Con 2008 and it finally arrives in theaters in 2009. Typically when a film is delayed this long it’s for a reason and Whiteout doesn’t disappoint in living up to the rules set forth by film history.
Kate Beckinsale stars as U.S. Marshal Carrie Stetko who is first introduced stripping off five layers of clothing and then hopping into the shower — all without saying a word. I can hardly complain considering Beckinsale is absolutely gorgeous, but as the camera pans up and down her body I didn’t know we were actually watching the best action sequences this film had to offer in its 101 minute running time. Without the help of fast cars, neon lights, 30 computer screens and a Paul Oakenfold soundtrack it seems director Dominic Sena has no clue what to do as this film doesn’t even live up to the level of stupid fun offered by Sena’s Swordfish and Gone in 60 Seconds, and it’s not like that’s asking for much.
The story is something of a “C.S.I. in the snow” as news of the first murder in the history of Antarctica hits the wire and Carrie’s retirement plans are put on hold. Harboring a creepy crush on John Fury, a geriatric doctor with a rock star name played by Tom Skerritt, and not trusting anyone due to a silly back-story serving as a story distraction and runtime space filler, Carrie must go about solving the crime before a massive storm hits, which would leave her stranded in Antarctica for the next six months. I guess if that happens she could at least go find those dancing penguins from that animated movie three years ago.
Plot holes, flashbacks, flashbacks of flashbacks, flashbacks of what happened five minutes ago and just plain dumb action sequences turn Whiteout into an all out bore. This should have been a commercial for Blistex as temperatures reaching 65 degrees below zero will apparently freeze your fingers in seconds all while the lips of our leads remain unfazed. Several chase sequences are slowed down due to the characters’ need to use guide ropes as winds push them around and they must hook, unhook and hook again a carabiner before they can run from the crazy killer with an ice axe. This monotony alleviates all tension and once all is said and done you will be left to discuss the myriad of problems this film has and wondering why you just wasted your time watching it.
Whiteout is simply a film you should avoid. It isn’t so stupid you will actively hate it, but you do run the risk of becoming a little dumber just for seeing it. And after all that, there isn’t one penguin. What a rip-off.
