BEST ORIGINAL SONG
Thank God! “Falling Slowly” takes it. Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova deserved this. Hansard is a likable fellow. He’s going on for a bit. Uh-oh. As Hansard finishes, those merciless bastards in the orchestra pit cue music. Irglova goes down! I repeat! Irglova goes down! Poor Marketa tried to get to the mic but was drowned out by Bill Conti’s heartless string gang.
What’s this? Jon Stewart does the right thing and lets Marketa Irglova have her day in court. She gives a nice, short and very sweet speech. Totally likable. Wanna know what she said? Fine, I like you so here you go:
Hi everyone. I just want to thank you so much. This is such a big deal, not only for us, but for all other independent musicians and artists that spend most of their time struggling, and this, the fact that we’re standing here tonight, the fact that we’re able to hold this, it’s just to prove no matter how far out your dreams are, it’s possible. And, you know, fair play to those who dare to dream and don’t give up. And this song was written from a perspective of hope, and hope at the end of the day connects us all, no matter how different we are. And so thank you so much, who helped us along way. Thank you.
We move on and I am 8 for 16.
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
Cameron Diaz hands it to There Will Be Blood. Nice! Looks like Daniel Day won’t be the film’s solo award tonight after all. 9 for 17.
BEST SCORE
I don’t know about you, but I can never get enough Amy Adams. Overload me baby. Dario Marianelli’s score wins. Well-deserved, sir. Atonement doesn’t go home empty-handed. 10 for 18.
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT
Tom Hanks introduces some of America’s bravest soldiers in Baghdad who introduce each nominee in the cat. Freeheld wins. Believe me, if anything else interesting was going on, you’d hear about it from me. 10 for 19.
BEST DOCUMENTARY
Hanks next introduces the nominees for big enchilada. The whole Iraq-angle and display makes me assume No End In Sight is a lock to win it at this point.
Or not. Taxi to the Dark Side, another Iraq war documentary, takes No End In Sight out! Didn’t see this one coming at all. 10 for 20. Oh boy. I can’t go under half. Please?
Harrison Ford is 65 but still kicking it. Are there any crabbys out there telling themselves they’re not going to see the new Indy movie? Expose yourself!
Come on Diablo, do me proud. You have a lot of people out there who hate you for no good reason and you need to make them very, very unhappy right now. Come on, sugar. Give it papa. Juno wins! You hear that Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability … Oh, and anybody who can still have ill will towards Cody after that speech is heartless. Yes, you are without a heart. 11 for 21.
BEST ACTOR
Helen Mirren is out to give Daniel Day-Lewis his award. Mirren is a sensual older broad, let me tell you. Day-Lewis gets his “I abandoned my child!” clip. Who didn’t see that coming? Daniel Day-Lewis wins. He dedicates the award to his grandfather, his dad and his three boys. 12 for 22.
BEST DIRECTOR
Martin Scorsese hands it to the Coen Brothers. A dream is realized. The Coen Brothers have a Best Picture, Best Screenplay and Best Director night and they win the directing award on the only movie where both brothers are credited as co-directors and co-producers. Ethan Coen comes to the mic again with what might be the best zinger of the night: “I don’t have anything to add to what I said previously.” 13 for 23.
BEST PICTURE
The Coens complete the deal. Scott Rudin riding the wave. Rudin says the win came as a “complete surprise”. Complete surprise huh? Shouldn’t it be a rule that if you’re the odds-on favorite to win, you have a chip inserted into your heart … and if at any time during your speech you have the – to use Helen Mirren’s word – “cajones” to tell us that your win came as “a complete surprise”, your heart explodes in your chest and you fall down on the stage like a 200lb sack of potatoes? Is this crossing the line? Yeah, I don’t think so either.
That’s all there is folks. A few surprises here and there but we made it through safe enough. Congrats to the Academy for voting wise and fair this year. Keep it up. You’re almost giving me hope!
