Something feels different about this Oscar season. The Best Picture nominees are all really good and unique. You have the traditional Oscar film in Atonement; a first-class entertainment like Michael Clayton; two arty masterworks that couldn’t be any more different in the form of There Will Be Blood and No Country for Old Men; and a crowd-pleasing teenage comedy called Juno.
With the exception of Atonement, not one of these films – on paper – screamed “Oscar”. This was a great year for movies and the Academy did the right thing by nominating quality over genre or expectations. Tonight, they honor the winners. Meanwhile, we here at Rope of Silicon will do our damnedest to make fun of everybody instead.
The show begins…
Regis is here and keeps calling the event the “Uscuhs”. Everybody always gives credit to Sly Stallone for achieving such success with a speech impediment but nobody remembers Regis. Poor guy.
Marion Cotillard is interviewed for her turn in La Vie en Rose (that’s her to the right). I can’t stop taking in her soft Frenchiness. Attention friends and family of Mademoiselle Cotillard: I’d consider giving her my hand in marriage. But she’s gotta act fast!
The lovely Laura Linney is being groped by Regis now. His hands were all over Clooney earlier and it really started to get uncomfortable. At one point, the little guy just grabbed Clooney’s wrist like a date rapist and turned him around to the crowd – who were already screaming but apparently not enough for Regis who then shouted, “It’s George Clooney! What’s wrong with you people???” True story.
The theme tonight is an original one: Javier Bardem had bad hair in No Country for Old Men. The only reason I know this is tonight’s theme really is because it’s been referenced 8 BILLION TIMES.
Uh-oh. Regis is cutting into dangerous sexual assault territory this time: his next victim is Hannah Montana (Miley Cyrus). Doesn’t he realize people actually watch these shows? I swear to God he grabs her wrist, spins her around and yells “It’s Miley Ray Cyrus!” to the crowd. Then he turns to the camera, laughing before saying (again), “What’s wrong with those people?” Wait, what’s wrong with them?
Tonight’s second theme: why did Juno connect so well with audiences? This seems to be a very pressing question beyond any rational thought. Poor Ellen Page is stuck rehearsing the same response every time. Just once I’d like to hear her say, “Because people are idiots and I finally made a movie that sunk down to their level,” or something of that ilk. Just to get a reaction and then giggle, “No, not really. Ha ha, okay. That’s awkward.” That would be fun. Just once.
And now the show really begins…
Zing! Jon Stewart: 1 – Vanity Fair: 0.
Julie Christie gets a tepid response from the crowd when Stewart singles out her performance. Hmmmm. That one might come back to bite me. I should have picked Cotillard. Or Page. Can I get a mulligan on that prediction piece I did? Anyway, Stewart continues: “Brilliant movie. It’s a moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton called it ‘The feel good movie of the year'”. Ya-yeah!
Stewart is en fuego. The WGA strike made the man work extra hard I’m thinking. Evidence: “Even Norbit gets a nomination which is great. Too often the Academy ignores movies that aren’t good.”
Stewart’s opening monologue continues to please: “Dennis Hopper is here … I only mention that so Dennis knows he’s here. Don’t worry, Dennis, I’m going to be mentioning that every 15 minutes or so. It’s going to be all right.”
Jon Stewart on Iraq films not doing well: “If we stay the course and keep these movies in the theatres, we can turn this around. I don’t care if it takes a 100 years … withdrawing the Iraq movies will only embolden the enemy. We cannot let the audience win!” Even In the Valley of Elah star Tommy Lee Jones is yucking it up. Come on, this is getting too easy.
Okay, last Stewart opener I plug: “Normally when you see a black man or a woman president, an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.” The swift ABC crew cuts to Spike Lee and Wesley Snipes (who lives!) out of pure coincidence. Mm-hmm.
Okay, first presenter is Jennifer Garner. This has got to be some crap award. Yup … costumes!
