5:33:18 PM: Jon just called The Oscars “Make Up Sex.” Strong start.
5:33:53 PM: He also crushed the Vanity Fair party which is good. Anything that hoity-toity deserves a beating.
5:37:14 PM: Jon is KILLING it. Of Norbit he said “Too often The Academy ignored films that aren’t good.”
5:38:13 PM: He’s riffing political, to his credit. This is way better than the red carpet. I should just watch this part next time.
5:44:16 PM: They just showed Barbra Streisand congratulating herself on her own Oscar from back in the day. Classic.
5:50:31 PM: Montage time! You can’t beat a good Oscar montage. It gives you a chance to get chips, get a drink, maybe use the bathroom. Everyone is a winner when The Academy phones it in.
5:56:52 PM: The Animated Feature Oscar goes to Ratatouille. $20 for me!
5:56:58 PM: They play the La Vie En Rose Oscar winners off (Makeup) after about 30 seconds. Well played.
6:02:19 PM: I’m digging Amy Adams “Happy Working Song.” She’s a great performer. Cute as a button. I’m still picking Once to win it though.
6:06:02 PM: How does The Golden Compass win for visual effects? That’s wacky.
6:12:29 PM: Sweeney Todd takes it for Art Direction. Or as the general public likes to call it “what is that?”
6:13:58 PM: Supporting Actor time. Anything besides Bardem is a huge upset.
6:15:15 PM: But first, a montage. Remember when Cuba Gooding Jr. won an Oscar? I miss those days. It was like anything was possible.
6:18:39 PM: Bardem wins and no one is surprised. Sorry Hal Holbrook, get em’ next year!
6:24:23 PM: Jon introduces the “star of August Rush Keri Russell.” Having seen August Rush I can tell you there were no stars. Only people who survived.
6:33:20 PM: I went one for two on the shorts… which is about as much as you can hope for. I was really cheering for Tutli-Putli though. That’s the name of my first son.
6:39:35 PM: Wow, Swinton takes the Supporting Actress award! It was a close category but that’s a shocker for me. She mentions Clooney’s Batman nipple suit which earns her high marks in my book though.
6:40:35 PM: Really, no one can get enough of the nipple suit. It’s not physically possible.
6:45:50 PM: Nothing wastes time like those technical awards. Next year let’s not even announce they happened. No one will notice. Trust me.
6:49:27 PM: The Coens win for No Country and the route is on.
6:49:41 PM: Prez. Sid Gannis is in the house! He’s on fire too, channeling every tenth grade history teacher in the country.
6:52:44 PM: How does Miley Cyrus get to give out an Oscar?
6:53:02 PM: Ah, she doesn’t. She’s only announcing a song. Whew. Close one.
6:56:57 PM: Can anyone figure out why Kristin Chenoweth was tapped to sing the second song from Enchanted? She wasn’t in the movie. I guess making Amy Adams sing three songs would have been cruel. But they should have chosen Eminem instead. He would have rocked that joint.
7:02:16 PM: Everyone involved with Superbad is Super GOOD. They should use that in their marketing.
7:03:59 PM: Nice to see The Bourne Ultimatum take an Oscar even it’s only for Sound Editing.
7:08:41 PM: Bourne takes two in a row and the guy from Transformers gets shut out again. That’s 20 times in a row. Ouch.
7:13:20 PM: Cotillard wins! Thank the maker. I couldn’t have sat through a Julie Christie speech. On the other hand an American hasn’t taken home an Actor Award yet. Should I be offended as a bigtime patriot? Should I drive my pickup truck right out of here?
7:14:41 PM: Nah, I don’t care. Especially given I picked two of them to win. If you’re keeping track at home I’m a fan of my own ego first and foremost.
7:18:21 PM: Jon Stewart is having an excellent show. The Wii joke was right on time.
7:19:50 PM: People, the song from Once has GOT to win. There is no alternative.
7:22:06 PM: Anybody need a page break to end this bad boy? Let’s take her home!
