This is just awesome news.
Smoking will now affect movie ratings.
Ahhh. Do you feel that? Yes my friends, a rant is coming. Wait though, first let’s see the reasoning from the geniuses over at the MPAA:
All smoking will be considered and depictions that glamorize smoking or movies that feature pervasive smoking outside of an historic or other mitigating context may receive a higher rating.
THIS IS BRILLIANT. Seriously. I think that no one should be allowed to see smoking in movies. Not even smoking tires or things on fire. But I don’t know why we are stopping there MPAA, we’re on a roll, aren’t we??
Let’s jack up the ratings on everything destructive in this universe! C’mon, list em’ off with me, we stand united against all things that make us feel icky or think too hard!!!!
Things That Should Also Jack Up Ratings
DRIVING:
This must go immediately. Traffic deaths amount to 1.2 MILLION deaths a year worldwide. Our children SHOULD not be seeing that sort of action at the movies. Oh, and using up gas? Why don’t we just set fire to the whole damn planet? What, are we animals? Cars now equal at least an R rating, possibly an NC-17. Fast and the Furiouser Quattro – Topeka Nights, you are officially fucked.
EATING:
Tell me I’m not the only one who has noticed that 12 percent of all the world’s deaths come from heart disease. Another 30 percent are chalked up to Cardiovascular problems. That’s 42 percent of the problem right there, people keeling over with bad tickers. And what causes this insanity? Yep, transfat. You eat that stuff you might as well be eating razors. I suggest we just ban any movie with fast food in it period. Don’t even get me started on Fast Food Nation or Supersize Me. Those guys should be beaten with lead pipes for showing so many scenes with fast food in them. Me and the MPAA are coming for you guys.
OLD PEOPLE:
Look, it’s a well known fact that anyone old is more likely to die. Who needs that crap? Do we want to teach our kids to die?? No we don’t, and that’s why anything that’s old people related is out. Violence is still okay, provided young people are having fun and cracking jokes while killing. Or if it’s an art film (as approved by Oscar)
LIGHTNING:
Look, if you get hit by lightning that will mess you up. We need to teach our kids to run inside at the slightest hint of rain. I don’t think anyone less than a full-fledged adult should be witnessing a storm on the big screen. Save that kind of fare for your crack dens you sickos!
BUNNIES:
It’s a sad fact that rabbits like to have sex. I can’t even believe I’m saying the word sex in print, but I sure as hell NEVER want a teen even thinking about it until he’s about 35. In fact, I recommend an NC-35 for anything involving sex. Double that if the movie has bunnies.
RAINBOWS:
Just because we can.
RELIGION:
Whoops, how did that get in here??
UNINTENTIONAL INJURIES:
Look, I don’t want to be a downer here but 6.23% of ALL the world’s deaths are caused by unintentional injuries. Guess how much lung cancer is? 2.18%.
UMMM, HELLO?? Unintentional Injuries are THREE TIMES more goddamn likely to strike you down! Crush them MPAA, wield your mighty righteous sword!
Ugh. I’m so mad. I could go on like this forever but what’s the point? The ratings system in this country is so stupid as to be a waste of time. It’s like if you once saw a flying giraffe and you were trying to explain it to people. Eventually you’d give up.
PS- Measles cause one percent of the world’s deaths. Consider yourself banned measles. I don’t even want doctor’s seeing instructional videos on this nastiness. If we never see it we can ignore it. And we all know that what you don’t have to think about doesn’t make your head hurt. And if you’re always right then you’ve got a home at the MPAA, land of paste eaters.
