I usually write these things from my cave (think of the place where Gollum used to live before he lost his ring), but this year I’m at a barbecue. The ribs, Heinekens and baked beans are going down quicker than Britney Spears’ career. The pre-show’s been on for a while now, I just needed to prepare myself mentally first. I usually try some yoga for 45 minutes but I wanted to be extra prepared today so I had my best friend’s kid slap me in the face a good five or six times with a hand-full of barbed-wire. I think it may have hurt him more than it did me and I might even have a lawsuit on my hands but when you’re making an omelette …
It’s 6’clock which means the “Joan and Melissa Live at the Academy Awards” has started. Joan is wearing bride-of-Satan-red. Thankfully, she’s wearing those senior-citizen sunglasses that cover half your face. mode, only with slippery-smooth, almost dolphin-like skin.
Oh no. Melissa and Joan are doing their own spoofs of the nominated movies. This is trouble. Right now they’re doing a Babel spoof. Melissa is trying to get mother into the seat where two Moroccan boys can snipe her. Nothing like a good patricidal joke to start off the show.
I think Joan has a new nose.
Another spoof, this time of Little Miss Sunshine. Woof. Joan took off her shades, just in case every child watching in America wasn’t already scared and hiding I am sure they are now.
Some guy from Pan’s Labryinth takes a shot at Joan! Joan asks him if he was allergic to any of the special effects material – the latexes, rubber, silicon etc. He told her, thankfully no but he’s sure she isn’t either. Boo-yah!
Melissa just apologized to America for her mother. “She can be a bit much sometimes.” For some reason I recall that scene in Superman where Lois Lane asks, “You got me? Who’s got you?”
Joan just butchered Oscar-nominated composer Gustavo Santaolalla’s name. He takes it like a champ. Don’t worry Joan, you get a pass on that one. I once read “souffle” out-loud as “soofle”. True story. It happens to the worst of us.
A spoof of The Departed. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the funniest, it was about an 8 million (negative).
The Jesus Camp people are enduring a good shalacking by Rivers. Vice Prez Gore is in the hizzy! Laremy’s enduring Ryan Seacrest over on E!. That’s right. Here at RopeofSilicon we report on every floor of Hell. I’m not sure who has it worse but he just texted me, “Seacrest hates us.” You can make it, buckaroo.
Rinko Kikuchi looks AMAZING. Peter Sarsgaard is dating Maggie Gyllenhaal? Am I the last one to know this? Apparently so as Brad is editing my article and calling me an idiot since Maggie already had his kid!
I noticed I’m starting to stare longer and longer at Joan’s bangs, hoping to God they fall over her forehead. It does. Then I pray for it to fall over her eyes. They do a little. Then I pray a little more that they start to cover her nose. It does…No! She brushed it back! Somebody help me take this knife out of my back.
Melissa Rivers- I’m actually wishing ill-will upon you. All apologies.
Greg Proops called Cameron Diaz’s dress, “A little too Darryl Hannah in Splash for me.” Um…what? Diaz actually looks pretty good. Nowhere near the nosferatu look she was sporting on SAG night. Or was that the Golden Globes? The nightmares all blur until they become one.
I switched the channel to check out things on E!, see if Laremy does have it worse than me. Emily Blunt – looking pretty yummy tonight – is being interviewed by Ryan Seacrest. She’s trying not to slap him, I know it. I flip back and enjoy a L’Oreal commercial.
Jessica-friggin-Biel. Yowza! She’s wearing hot-pink, ladies and gents. Proops just said, “With her, it’s all about the trunk.” Amen, brother.
Commercial-break. I flip back to E! because I’m clincally ill. Penelope Cruz…is…speaking. I want to sniff her hair like the guy in Perfume. Does that make me weird? Better flip back…
Woah! James Taylor’s here. Taylor is so good. He said, screw it, I’m balding and could give a crap at a pretty early age. He’s performing the Cars song with Randy Newman. Even though I’m height-challenged, I love Newman. Even better, I love a Randy Newman. (spoof)
Joan now has her shot at Emily Blunt. Joan asks if she was allowed to keep her costumes from The Devil Wears Prada. Blunt blames Meryl Streep for wanting to donate the costumes to charity. Joan responds, “No one in charity will have that good a body, unless they’re starving.” Ouch.
Rinko is back! This time with Joan. She looks so good. So far, my favorite interview…
TRANSLATER: (Translates everything Joan says to Rinko.)
RINKO: (60 seconds later) Yes.
Joan interviews Penelope Cruz. Good lord. Penelope speaking equals bliss. Kelly Preston is next. She looks so good it’s sick. 44 years-old? Really??? Oh yeah, John Travolta is with her too. And the Smiths are here! Jada-Pinket and Big Willie. How can you not like these people? Will’s kid, the one from The Pursuit of Happyness is playing a Rubiks Cube. Smith asks Joan, “How cool is that?” I ask again, how can you not like the Smiths? “They’re so well-spoken and articulate.” That was a shot-out to all the racists. And by shot-out I mean “reprimand”.
Steve Carell and his wife (that chick who was on SNL for like 5 minutes) are putting up with Joan. On another note, whoever that bastard is that showed up with Kirsten Dunst is going down. Just a warning.
AAAAGGHHH! Jackie Earle Haley! Hide your children! Yeah ACE, I know he’s not really a child molester!
I’ve decided Anne Hathaway is marriage material. Everyone can stop worrying about that now. Not for nothing but Mirren looks pretty good for an older broad.
Also, I’m not making any accusations here but I’m just going to do a little word association. Will Ferrell. Laughter. Helen Mirren. Class. Celine Dion. _____________. (fill in the blank)
Stop the presses…Mickey Rooney is alive???? I’m running out of question marks over here.
Kirsten Dunst has a poster of Joan and Melissa Rivers as bite-size M&Ms on a red carpet conducting interviews. A recap in case I lost you: Joan. Melissa. M&Ms. Poster. Dunst. Kirsten wants the two of them to sign the poster. I’m not trying to be weird. I’m not making this up. This all really happened and I have the great privilege of documenting it.
Nicole Kidman’s dress is pleading with me to check the color bars on my TV. Meanwhile, Peter O’Toole is wearing what looks like a smoker’s jacket. That is pimp.
Greg Proops called Waiting To Exhale an awesome movie. Letting that one soak.
The barbecue party people downstairs are asking me to come down. Only they asked like this: “Why you being a social recluse, bitch?” I tell them I’ll join the party once the show starts. I need to concentrate really hard to understand what goes on during the pre-show.
The unlikeable Eddie Murphy ladies and gents! He conducts a respectable (see: boring) interview with Joan. Abigail Breslin is getting the Rivers treatment now. Wait a minute…where’s Jackie Earle Haley?
Rivers says good night, we say good riddance. I switch over to ABC for the equally-unbearable Road To The Oscars.
This is the third interview with Penelope Cruz so far. This is like a three-course ear massage. Four-course if she’s a presenter. But that would be straight-up sinful.
Somebody asks Eddie Murphy which is his favorite movie that he’s done. He says this: “Oh, I like them all. I even like Pluto Nash.” He’s kidding, but he shouldn’t even kid about that.
Someone here just asked me if I want some red wine. Dear God, yes! Please! (a Cabernet for all of the pompous folks)
Ryan Gosling has two women in his arms. His girlfriend on his right and his mom (who ain’t looking bad) in his left. Someone asks him about his two ladies and Gosling is quick to respond, “Yeah, I’m in Snoop mode right now.”
The Three Amigos (Alejandro Gonazalez Inarritu, Alfonso Cuaron and Gulliermo Del Toro) are all together being interviewed. The dummy model interviewing them says the following, “You three are reminding people of three great directors to come out of the ’70s. Coppola…Ford…and Lucas” Wow. You mean Coppola and Ford? Awesome!
That’s it. Show’s about to start. I’m signing off, only to sign back in for Part Two of the Oscar Recap later tonight! Check out the Live Diary here and the winners here.
