Okay, Laremy made it to the Live Diary and I am back where I belong … making fun of Laremy in the Recap. Just when I thought I was out … they pull me back in! Let’s cut to the chase and see how this all shook out.
Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries
Helen Mirren won. Sorry, guys. The Live Diary drained me of all wit as I already covered this win over there. Yup, them were the good ol’ days. I felt like Veronica Corningstone when she got her first big shot at prime-time. I was going to be a king tonight. Instead, Laremy sprinted to RopeofSilicon headquarters a la Ron Burgandy to unseat me from the throne. The way I hear it he broke an old bag’s hip on the way over. A very irresponsible fellow, that one is.
Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries
I started covering this on the Diary too but what-the-hey. Jeremy Irons accepts his award. Am I the only one who still hears Scar from The Lion King when he speaks? “I’d like to thank the Screen Actors Guild and Siiiiiiiimbaaaa.”
Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series
Alec Baldwin’s name gets the most amount of cheers from the guilded audience. Never a good sign for the other nominees.
Baldwin wins and sprints through a series of thank-you’s and quick-witted one-liners. He’s like a tommy-gun with a beer gut.
Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Comedy Series
This show is moving way too quick. Nothing of note except the actual award is happening. I always miss the Golden Globes this time of year. The SAGs really make me earn my paycheck. The presenters aren’t remotely funny or mockable. It’s like … respectable and stuff. My world is turning upside down.
“Ugly Betty” wins. When “Ugly Betty” won the Golden Globe she had that awkward interview after her acceptance speech. No such luck here. She just walks off stage and takes her seat. It’s all very pleasant. And boring.
Pimping Movies # 2
Mark Wahlberg pimps The Departed for Best Ensemble Cast. There was already one of these “pimps” for Little Miss Sunshine in the Diary. I still don’t get why Laremy was late. I’m the Puerto Rican and I was on time. White-bread is always turning around the prejudices.
They just nabbed a shot of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. That pairing still blows my mind.
Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series
I’m not sure what happened but a bunch of old geezers the like of Mary Tyler Moore and Betty White are all gathered on stage. Did someone die? What’s happening? Jessica Tandy is trying to haunt her way on the stage but ushers keep shooing her away. You crazy old ghost. Give Casper my love.
I just found out this is for Best Ensemble in a Comedy Series. What is the message here? Hey young’uns, this is what you have to look forward to? The Entourage or The Office should win.
The Office wins! Rainn Wilson is the first one on stage. He wants that baby bad. The prudish blonde chick on the show looks pretty darn nice dolled up. Steve Carrell keeps the speech straight. I feel like I’ve just drank two bottles of Nyquil.
Kiefer Sutherland comes out and pays tribute to voice actors. Nobody wants to say it, but I’m going to right here and right now. The trailer voice guy is overexposed. He’s on TV shows, he’s on TV commercials and now he’s being interviewed by the SAGs.
This is going on forever. Laremy just came up with a gem on the Live Diary: “They are doing a tribute to voice overs. They are begging you to change the channel.” That’s why he’s there and I’m here.
Outstanding Performance by a Supporting Male Actor in a Motion Picture
Eddie Murphy wins. He beats Djimon Hounsou and Leo DiCaprio. Okay…Eddie sports a British accent mocking the Jeremy Irons and Helen Mirren speeches. For a second I thought he was serious and was going Madonna with his voice. “Sorry, I just love how the British come up here when they win. They’re so smooth”. Wow, the old Eddie is back for about 5.5 seconds! Eddie gets back to serious mode and thanks his peers. I knew it was too good to be true. This should pretty much lock up his Oscar now.
Pimping Movies # 3
Dreamgirls gets pimped. Nothing…else…happens.
Some guy (SAG prez Alan Rosenberg) is on stage talking about how great the Screen Actors Guild is. Dude, how good can your guild be when Tim Allen is a card-carrying member. Rosenberg says thousands of men and women in the armed services can now watch the SAG awards overseas. I’m sure that’s the first thing on their list tonight, to watch The Screen Actors Guild Awards. It comes right after not dying.
Anne Hathaway comes out to give a Lifetime Achievement award to Julie Andrews. Oh Christ, we’re all in for it. We’re getting into Andrews’ life story. They’re going back into time. I’m getting sucked into the vortex. I have to stop watching. I think she was born before there was water. On the Diary Laremy says she invented the wheel. I thought that was funny but I don’t IM him to tell him. Don’t want anything going to that young man’s head.
The narrator and clips know no bounds. I think they’re just screwing with us at this point. They start getting into her dental records.
“You are the most provocative and desirable woman I have ever met” Rock Hudson to Julie Andrews
She’s written 19 children books … I’ve had enough. I need to change the channel. Family Guy is on! Oh, fortune, you taunt me so! I smile for about thirty seconds before my conscience gets the better of me. I flip back.
Dick Van-Dyke is on stage. He tells Julie Andrews to get her ass up there and put everyone out of their misery. I have to admit, Julie Andrews has a sweet voice about her. I’d like to get a Julie Andrews alarm clock. Instead of waking up to Mike & Mike I can wake up to her. That would definitely fly.
Andrews talks about being directed by hubby Blake Edwards during her love scenes: “He’d say ‘That was fine darling, but I know you can do it better.'” Cute story. I still want to end my life.
Pimping Movies # 4
Emilio “Emiliooooooo” Estevez is out to pimp Bobby. No one else will.
Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Drama Series
Chandra Wilson wins for Grey’s Anatomy. I think Chandra just took a shot at fellow cast member Isiah Washington when she says, “It’s all about the ten actors sitting right over there … and the one in rehab.” Nice! Isn’t he in gay rehab? And by gay rehab I don’t mean he’s trying not to be gay, I think he’s trying to stop hating gays or something. All I know is he and Mel Gibson might be pals. Oh yeah, and that Kramer dude too… Prejudice sure was in in 2006!
Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Drama Series
Julie Louis Dreyfus to Steve Carell: “Now that you lost tonight, and we’re being honest, I can tell you that the British version of ‘The Office’ is sooo much better”
Carell to Dreyfus: “I liked your show better when it was called One Day At a Time“. Eh. Not bad. I’m not sure where it all came from, but I’ll take anything to break the boredom at this point.
Hugh Laurie (which I twice typed “High Laurie”) wins. I’ve never seen the show but I never mind that he wins because he’s always pretty funny.
… Except tonight. Actually he had a couple of good zingers. I didn’t catch the beginning, but he ended with “I’m British … which accounts for why I’m so smooth” Take that Eddie! The crowd isn’t sure if he’s serious. Half of them laugh, the others are doing their best “Ohh!” It’s hysteria in L.A. It’s the night’s first awkward moment.
In Memorium
Dennis Haysbert – the All State commercial guy – comes out to honor the dead people of the SAGs. These are never funny. They really need to hire better writers. I call this the annual “Let’s show Dre how many actors he doesn’t even know existed” moment of the night. How can I be so heartless? Brad took it from me. Says it would put hair on my chest (nope). There’s a fiver in it for you if you can get it back from him.
Wait a second, Mako died? Wow. I always loved Mako in every movie. He was the cool corporate guy in Rising Sun. The principle from Breakfast Club dies. I’m starting to feel my age. Grandpa from The Munsters gets a nice cheer. Wow, they show James Brown in – what else – Rocky IV. “I feel good!” Yvonne DeCarlo…Don Knotts…Jack Warden…I have to take a leak so bad…Jack Palance…
I just read the Live Diary … “I will never win The Actor® but if I did I would be sorely tempted to do weird sexual things with it.” This is the man I was demoted for, what does that even mean?
Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series
Alec Baldwin and a skeleton come out to announce Best Ensemble in a Dramatic Series. I was just informed that the skeleton on stage is something claiming to be Teri Hatcher. I remember Hatcher back in the day. She was hot. This thing is from the nether-world.
Grey’s Anatomy wins. I’m going to predict this show dies a horrible death in the next two years. It has to. It is my bidding. The rehab actor is AWOL.
Pimping Movies # 5
Cate Blanchett looks great. She flubs the telemprompter script after about three lines and says she’s going to start over. Everyone laughs. But here’s the thing … she actually starts over. Cate, I love you, but you just dropped two cool points. It’s a presentation, not Macbeth. Don’t worry, you still my dog.
Outstanding Performance by a Supporting Female Actor in a Motion Picture
My boy J-Good just called me up. He can’t believe the Little Miss Sunshine girl was nominated: “She couldn’t act her way out of Sesame Street.” I tell J-Good he’s off base. I didn’t love the movie to the same level as it’s fans but she was good in it. “You telling me she knows more about acting than Cate Blanchett? ‘Okay, kid, run around and start screaming’…thats not good kid acting, that’s good directing.” I hang up the phone and wonder if he’s right.
Nah.
Jennifer Hudson wins. Yaaaaawn. Wait, Hudson is quickly becoming one of my favorite award show goddesses. She tells her fellow cast members, “Because of you I was able to learn from the best. Yes, you’re the best…everyone in this room is the best!!!” Everyone? Even Rob Schneider? Have you seen his movies? Just kidding Robby, don’t send me an angry letter. (SIDE NOTE: Read Roger Ebert’s response to said angry letter.)
Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role
Reese Witherpsoon is looking pretty tasty. Let’s get this over with please.
Forest Whitaker wins. He’s been speaking for a full minute and I can honestly say I didn’t understand one word he said. My closed captioning just blew up.
Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Leading Role
Cate Blanchett doesn’t get enough credit as an actress. Look at her work in Notes on a Scandal. She had to perform with a CGI troll in front of a green screen for about 80% of the movie and she is able to emote like a pro. Lucas should have cast her in the Star Wars prequels.
Just kidding Dame Judi!
Helen Mirren wins. They should rename these to the “Foregone Conclusion Awards”. What’s this? I think Mirren just made out with Taylor Hackford on the way to the stage. That was weird. It must be getting really late. Oh, they’re married… Learn something new every day eh?
Leo is still clapping in that “I can’t believe the guy from Norbit beat me” way. Poor guy.
Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture
Brad and I just made a bet who would win this award. I tell him Little Miss Sunshine. He says no way, The Departed will win. Brad says to me over IM, “You owe me $10k if I’m right. I owe you nothing if you are right.” When you deal with the devil, this is as good as it gets so I take it.
Little Miss Sunshine takes it and I win nothing but grief. Guilders, what are you doing? Baldwin. Nicholson. Damon. DiCaprio. Wahlberg. This is a sign of the times. It’s going to win Best Picture.
Abigail Breslin needs Greg Kinnear to lift her up to the mic. Somewhere in the heart of downtown Manhattan, J-Good is fuming. How can you not like this kid, though? I’ve got to see this movie again. I must be missing something, right? Kinnear makes a funny or two. This guy’s come a long way from the Talk Soup days. He thanks the usual suspects and they all exit stage left.
The show ends. Goodwill Hunting is coming on. Thank you TNT! You taketh, you giveth. I’m out.
Miss part one? Did you read the live diary? Wanna see the complete list of winners? Well click the links then… damn!
Remember, we will be doing all this juicy coverage for the Oscars as well and if you don’t know anything about them yet you better get crackin’ on the studies. Here’s the nominations and how about our little contender preview. Enjoy!
