I’ve got bad news and good news. The bad news is I made a promise to myself that whenever Joan Rivers is doing a pre-show with her gremlin of a daughter, Melissa, I would force myself to watch so that the RopeOfSilicon readers didn’t have to. The good news is the TV Guide Live From The Red Carpet Pre-Show is completely Joan-less so I don’t have to keep my promise. That, is what we call a “loophole”.
Perhaps more horrifying than ever, Melissa Rivers is going to do the pre-show entirely on her own (with a little shotgun help from Greg Proops). What is TV Guide doing? I wouldn’t trust Melissa Rivers to run the drive-thru at McDonalds (hate mail from McDonalds drive-thru employees can be sent to Brad). The thing of it is, after the Spurs-Lakers game ends, there’s nothing else on and I feel like I should start writing something. On ESPN2 there’s women’s college basketball, but that’s only two steps up from Bumfights. At least the pre-show is good for a couple unintentional laughs.
Melissa is surrounded by the cast of The Sopranos. With any luck, they bop her on the head and force her to dance at the Bada Bing! until she’s paid off her debt to humanity.
Good Lord! Somebody tackle Elizabeth Perkins’ breasts before they fall out!
Melissa just asked the cast of 24 if they think they have more of shot at winning the Ensemble award because they have a bigger cast. She asked the same question to the Sopranos crew. Someone tell Joan to fax her girl more Q’s.
I just learned Melissa Rivers has a child. It’s bred!
Sara Michelle Gellar’s right nipple is trying to leave her dress.
Melissa asks David Krumholtz the following question: “What was it like being directed by Emilio Estevez? Was it surreal?”
Eddie Murphy is in the house! Yup, and he’s trannyless.
Wow! Tony Parker is here with Eva. Dude, that is quick work. Homeboy dropped 19 points only an hour or so ago against the Lakers and is already on the red carpet.
Jackie Earle Haley is interviewed and he looks as weird in real-life as he does in Little Children. Just more fashionable.
Vanessa Williams is here. I guess she’s on Ugly Betty. Melissa asks her about the success of the show and how Williams’ career is “Hot and then cold, hot and then cold. And now it’s hot again.” Williams pupils become daggers and lets out something along these lines: “I would take exception to that, I’ve been working professionally for 23 years.” Ouch. Melissa tries to recover, stating she was just trying to say every career has an ebb and flow.
Jada Pinkett Smith is being interviewed by Melissa. Last time, at the Golden Globes Melissa started talking jive, the idiot. She’s keeping it nice and white this time.
Ugly Betty is really growing on me. Not the show, the chick. I will bed her, should she have me.
I just flipped to TNT to see what’s doing before the show. Jack Dawson just died and Rose is crying. I change the channel before I start crying.
Rinko Kikuchi is here. She’s ditched the blonde hair and went with an equally yummy reddish-brown.
Melissa is asking the hot-cold career question again to Julie-Louise-Dreyfus but instead of saying “cold” she says “cool”. I think Williams scared the botox out of her last time. Dreyfus isn’t as touchy and acknowledges the “ebb and flow”.
It’s all over pretty quick. I’ve been changing the chanels every so often to keep the sanity flowing. It was so traumatic this way. Less ebb and flow. The show is about to begin and this is where I get off the Recap train. Poor Laremy is stuck on a beautiful island and can’t get TNT to do the Live Diary so I’ve taken up those duties. Brad will be Recapping like a mo’ fo’ for the rest of the night.
[LATE EDIT] … Okay, five minutes into the Live Diary and I got the boot (Laremy was able to make it). So guess what you luck dogs? I’ll see you in Part Two of the SAG 2007 Recap!
