Welcome to the 2007 live diary of the Screen Actor’s Guild awards. The SAG awards are the bronze medalist of blustery self importance behind only the Globes and the Oscars. The SAGs can be a good predictor of Oscars’ tastes (as SAG members also vote in the Academy). Keep hitting refresh live during the show for witty and ruthless commentary, here are the storylines to follow:
Storyline 1: Babel vs. The Departed, Who is the early favorite for Best Picture?
Storyline 2: Dreamgirls builds momentum for… well, nothing. But maybe the Oscar Best Picture snub can become even more controversial.
Storyline 3: The SAGs hook up deserving older actors like Peter O’Toole. Since Oscar is heartless this may be his swan song.
Once again, be back here at 8pm EST (or later if there are technical difficulties as I’m in Antigua, more on that during the diary). I’ll be live diarying the living hell out of this mess, and of course we’ll have the winners posted live with the award winning Dre recapping soon after the pageantry ends. Keep it locked on Rope. Oh, for the record, all times are PST because we run the universe. Hey East Coast, we may watch your feed but we will never bow to your time zone!
5:01:18 PM: Okay, the stars have arrived and Laremy isn’t here. It’s up to me to keep the good name of the Live Diary going. We’re screwed.
5:02:35 PM: Oh no, there doing those lame-ass “I’m so-and-so and I’m an actor” things from last year. This is horrible already.
5:03:32 PM: Wait, Freddy Rodriguez is an actor?
5:03:50 PM: Vanessa Williams and her two beauties are here. She almost tackled Melissa Rivers pre-show, you know.
5:04:31 PM: This is how you start an awards show on the right foot…with presenter Ashton Kutcher.
5:05:45 PM: The first awards are starting. This is where Helen Mirren wins her first trophy and all the other actresses start hissing.
5:06:54 PM: Hellen Mirren wins for Drama or Mini Series. I hope her boob doesn’t fall out like it did at the Golden Globes. It fell out at the bottom of the dress which makes it even more embarassing
5:08:19 PM: Alan Arkin comes out to pimp Little Miss Sunshine for Ensemble Cast. I’m going to try and not give the TV dirty looks.
5:09:19 PM: Well, I’m 9 minutes late but I’m in real time, so long as you consider “real-time” a cruise ship in the middle of nowhere. Long story.
5:10:30 PM: I just heard that Dre was called in at the last minute.. that’s not fair to you guys is it? You show up expecting Cindy Crawford and get.. well, you get Dre.
5:10:03 PM: Forest Whitaker and Ugly Betty come out and Whitaker is MACKING to her. Wow, she is blushing. She’s going to lubricate any second.
5:11:20 PM: Jeremy Irons wins… well, he wins something. I’ve now put down the huka pipe.
5:12:09 PM: Okay, I just got word Laremy – in a fit of jealous rage – made it to the Live Diary and is updating. I bid all of you adieu and bow to the master.
5:13:21 PM: Jeremy Irons just said he feels like a plumber, not an actor. I hear ya man, I feel like a person on peyote, not a writer. Since this is the first major award they’ll let him drone on forever.
5:15:42 PM: While we are on a commercial let’s recap: The stuff that is funny I wrote. The weird stuff Dre wrote. I am on a cruise ship south of Barbados. I am trying to write through a haze of old people, wireless, and a TV that has never had sound. I can not make any of this stuff up. More on this weirdness as the night progresses, provided I don’t murder an oldster and get dragged down to “ship-jail.”
5:19:01 PM: The Grey’s Anatomy cast is here. I love that show but I think they are getting too much love given the show has been on 18 months or so.
5:20:08 PM: It’s TV comedy actor time… and we are passing around the Rum Runners.
5:20:52 PM: I am sitting here with an actual member of the SAG. So clearly they are giving those cards away. Alec Balwin wins and somewhere Kim Jong Il celebrates.
5:22:02 PM: Weird running subplot: some of the Canadians on the ship are having a party tonight, and some of them think the party is the place where I am writing. Sorry guys, you are barking up the wrong maple leaf. You want the promenade deck, next to the buffet line.
5:22:59 PM: The chick from The Closer is here, Golden Globe award winner Kyra Sedgewick. I thought if you won something from the foreign guys then SAG hated you. Like a gang thing. I was wrong, oh so wrong, now Canadians seriously, be gone. We don’t need no stinkin’ health care!
5:24:17 PM: How was Julia Louis Dreyfus nominated? Were the only people allowed in women with three names, and one of them had to be French? Because otherwise she shouldn’t be eligible.
5:25:08 PM: The Ugly Betty girl wins and I am officially over that movement. I liked that show better when it was called The Devil Wears Prada and about adults. Also, it should be noted that the SAG award has a nice ass. The sculpture I’m talking, the thing is ripped.
5:26:19 PM: I officially will no longer call Wahlberg “Marky Mark.” And that’s the highest respect I can pay the man because I LOVED saying Marky Mark.
5:27:28 PM: And Chrissy Chris too, even though no one is named that. Braddy Brad!
5:27:55 PM: I’ve been informed the SAG award is actually called The Actor® by B-Luv. So when you win, you are actually winning an actor. What you do with him is up to you, but again it must be noted that his bottom is cut like marble. Don’t judge me.
5:33:11 PM: Mary Tyler Moore is in the SAG? Seriously, no requirements at all? Can I have a card?
5:36:52 PM: I bet Dre watches Ugly Betty. He just seems like the type.
5:37:21 PM: The Office wins best ensemble cast; they deserve it. They are funny people who will all leave the show within two years to pursue movies and/or their own late night talk show. That’s a live diary exclusive.
5:39:06 PM: Greg Daniels is the exec producer of The Office. As no one anywhere in the world will mention that information in any context I thought I’d give him a little nod. Way to provide the money buddy, we love ya. Also hello to the entire Daniels family, I’ve heard all are big fans of me and my work.
5:40:31 PM: They are doing a tribute to voice overs. They are begging you to change the channel.
5:42:11 PM: They’ve segued into “dubbing.” As in Espanol. And now they are on post production voice overs. I know you are riveted right now, gasping for air you’re so goddamn excited.
5:44:54 PM: Eddie Murphy wins and my Dreamgirls crush seems less crazy. Still a little crazy, but not as bad as my fascination with bats, which of course would be considered “very” crazy.
5:46:56 PM: All the speeches have been really short. It’s as if the actors are like “Ah, yeah, thanks for this. Does it come with a car or anything? No? Just this statue? Hmmm.”
5:52:33 PM: One odd thing, I am on a espanol feed so some of the commercials are in Spanish. Hey man, I didn’t sign up to hear Dre all night. 2nd dig of the night towards my cohort, I’m on fire! Dre, you know I love you guy, you are the best recaper on the planet. Maybe the only one too.
5:55:03 PM: Did the SAG get a new president? This one looks like someone you wouldn’t recoil in horror from and I swear that wasn’t the case last year.
5:57:12 PM: Nothing worse than a lifetime achievement award. It’s basically saying “Hey, you aren’t dead yet? Well here then, have an award!”
5:59:42 PM: Part of the Julie Andrews montage just showed the creation of the universe. I swear she did her first show for King Tut.
6:01:03 PM: Only one hour left in this mess? They better speed this up and start handing out “awards.” Instead of jerking off about how noble acting is. Just a thought.
6:02:44 PM: Julie Andrews invented the wheel? Huh. No wonder they are giving her an award, it’s long overdue. Fire too?? Holy Crap, this is quite a night!
6:04:24 PM: Wow, now Dick Van Dyke is here to present to Julie too. The good news is Julie still looks good. All jokes aside, I’ll give her that. When I’m that age I’ll be in a box; she’s sporting a black dress like it’s no big thing.
6:06:21 PM: What about a lifetime achievement award for Dakota Fanning? She’s lived a lot of life man.
6:08:16 PM: Can you win multiple lifetime achievement awards? I don’t mean as in reincarnation, I’m talking Globes, Oscars, SAG. Like a triple crown. Just a thought, and then we could have one giant hour long presentation to be held in Bulgaria, tape delayed, hopefully never to be seen again.
6:10:19 PM: I’m informed last year’s SAG prez was the gal from Little House on the Prairie. As I would hit that I fully recant my previous statement.
6:16:16 PM: The winner for “TV Drama Girl” goes to: Chandra Wilson for Grey’s Anatomy. Her nomination clip featured the word “Va-Jay-Jay.” That’s a winner guys, nice work clip chooser guy (named Phil).
6:21:40 PM: Hugh Laurie wins for House and James Gandolfini looks PISSED! His face said “I knew I shoulda stayed home and played PS3.”
6:23:02 PM: I will never win “The Actor®” but if I did I would be sorely tempted to do weird sexual things with it. Out of joy of course, not because I am a freak.
6:24:26 PM: It’s dead people montage time. My favorite!
6:24:52 PM: Edward Albert died?? Wait, who was he?
6:26:45 PM: They are not doing the death montage in alpha order so it’s hard to tell where the end is. I mean where the clip ends, clearly the people in it all ended this year. Rim shot!
6:32:06 PM: 28 minutes left. Hold me.
6:32:29 PM: I wish I could adequately set the scene for you here as people shuffle past me and try to figure out what I’m doing. I’m live diarying people! What the hell else is there to do on this cruise? Shuffleboard? Don’t make me throw you overboard. This is important business.
6:33:59 PM: I sort of wish Oscar® did ensemble awards. I like the team work thing. Dre does recap, B-Luv is the Godfather, I do live stuff. Life isn’t all about you Oscar®.
6:36:24 PM: How come they only give one The Actor® to an ensemble cast? Shouldn’t they have bunches of little The Actor®’s up there? My 6th grade English teacher just passed out due to the pluralization issues in those past few sentences.
6:39:29 PM: It’s the clip from the most depressing movie ever, Babel. You should see it, but make sure your shotgun isn’t loaded when you get home.
6:42:01 PM: J-Hud pulls it down for supporting The Actor®. That makes her two for two (Globes being the other of course). How long has she even been a SAG member? I don’t think American Idol counts. She just said, “Everyone in this room is the best!” Technically speaking, that’s impossible.
6:48:05 PM: I’m now hanging with a Canadian® and she’s bitter about SAG not loving the Canucks or their version of SAG, called ACTRA. It turns out we Americans are real bastards. Sorry Canada, I take it all back!
6:50:28 PM: Forest Whitaker wins for The Last King of Scotland and all is right with the world. Well, maybe I was pulling for O’Toole a little. He’s going to be in next year’s death montage people, we can’t hook him up?
6:53:12 PM: Jeremy Irons is sporting a creepy scarf, and I didn’t even think that was possible.
6:55:16 PM: The Actor® goes to Helen Mirren and this has been very copy/paste. Could we just combine the Globe and the SAGies? Would anyone object to this?
6:57:19 PM: Little Miss Sunshine wins in the first legitimate surprise of the night. Well, that and the fact that I’m still online and sober.
6:59:31 PM: That’s the end of the SAGS and I’m your live diarist Laremy®. I hope you’ve enjoyed this.. live, from somewhere near Barbados, I bid you freaking adieu. Stay tuned to Rope for Dre’s recap which will be funny, but in a whole different way. A more Latin way, a less humorous way, the “Dre Way.” Peace!
7:02:20 PM: Curses one more thing; it’s almost Oscar time and you need links!
