I’m boycotting a preview paragraph this week because I picked the wrong winner last weekend. My honor shall not be impugned without dire paragraph-withholding consequences. I will say, off the record, that I am kind of excited about The Lake House, which I never thought was possible from another Reeves-Bullock vehicle.
1. Cars $55.8m
The thing that weirds me out is that the cars seem to be actual brands of real cars and I’m betting my Civic isn’t proudly represented. It’s like some type of animation car discrimination thing where the real losers are us poor folks. Yeah, yeah, you come for predictions and I give you social ennui.
2. The Break-Up $16.9m
So I’ve seen Jen in The Break-Up, The Good Girl, Friends with Money, and Derailed… and I can officially say she needs a role where she’s unlikeable and unrepentant. Something like Theron in Monster would do the trick. Otherwise we’ll never know what she’s packing under the hood. Also, to the fella who put in 30 extra F votes for this little film… well maybe it’s time to get over that high school girlfriend, eh?
3. X-Men: The Last Stand $16.6m
I saw a kid on CNN born with a third arm. That is to say he made the news because he was born with a third appendage… not that he was delivering the children’s news with two arms and doing god knows what with the other one.
4. The Omen $16.3m
Not to point out the obvious but Omen backwards is Nemo. Why does no one do horror animation? Besides The Zoo I mean. I was so terrified in that one I panic-slept.
5. The Da Vinci Code $10.0m
If the code is saying what I think it’s saying then you’d better bet the Heat big in game 2 (warning: offer valid only if betting proverbial “clams” instead of literal “money” because betting in general is against this fine nation’s laws and also slightly morally repugnant. Take the “over” too).
6. Over The Hedge $7.9m
I learned in Chi class that I was the Hedge. And also the over. I learned in Tao class that none of it mattered anyway. I learned in the ghetto to always carry a shiv. Yep, I ‘m a real good learner.
7. Mission Impossible 3 $2.7
If you want an impossible mission you should try balancing my checkbook.
8. Prairie Home Companion $2.3m
This is the whitest movie since Earnest goes to camp. Yeah Vern?
9. RV $1.6m
Yee Gods, send locusts instead. Why must you try and fry our brains via manic depressive comics with big family toting vehicles?
10. Poseidon $1.6m
This little clunker has made $52m domestically which means like five percent of America has seen it. One out of 20 people likes pain, remember that next time you are sneaking into the “ten items or less” line with 18 items.
Sensual and golden literary delights are here.
