Human nature can be ugly sometimes. Ever drive down the highway at a steady pace, say 70 mph? You’re coasting and slowly passing a Camry on your right that’s going 60-65mph. There’s a van coming up in front of you that seems to be going 30mph. The Camry sees this and suddenly starts speeding up so that you get locked in. “Oh no, no. You may be going faster than me but you are going to PAY for trying to pass me baby!” So you get stuck behind the van and curse the name of both cars who must have had a secret pact to keep you behind. If you have a serious case of road rage like me, you start to imagine yourself negotiating your way through traffic at 120mph until you catch up with that Camry and purposely cut them off. Then the old lady in the Camry pulls out a gun from her glove compartment and starts to unload. Your back windshield looks like those fake bullet-hole stickers lame-asses like to put on their cars these days before it shatters completely. You brake hard. The Camry rear-ends you. The old broad in the Camry behind you flies through her windshield and lands on your trunk. She looks up at you slowly, spitting glass out of her mouth. You speed off so she slides off your car like a spatula smacking home a pancake. Then back up to get another shot at her, just to make sure the job is done right.
We’ve all been there. Such is human nature.
Sometimes I can’t help but root against someone. I know, it’s ugly and juvenile but I can’t help it. Right now I’m watching TV and I see Olympian snowboarder for the United States, Hannah Teter, getting interviewed. Now I’m a patriotic guy, but I can’t help but root against her already and the interview only lasted about 90 seconds. First of all, she sounds like she came straight from the Courtney Love estate. I knew I was in trouble when her greeting was “Heeeeeeeeeeey, how’s it goooiiiiiiing? He he heh!” Cannibus sativa, breakfast of champions! Nothing represents America better than the stoner snowboarder baby! Teter continues the interview with what looks like a chemically-induced grin babbling incoherent answers to fluff questions. Go back to your apple-bowl now, sweetheart, we’ll wake you when the next bag of Fritos arrives (I also learn Teter listens to her iPod while competing, kind of like how Jessica Biel kills vampires in Blade: Trinity. Whatever works I guess).
Now for all my huffing and puffing on the Oscar snubs, I’d be hard-pressed to pick out a patsy to replace my snub picks with. In other words, I know I would have nominated Roger Deakin’s cinematography, but it would have been a bitch to pick whom I send packing home. But below are the top 5 nominations that had me scratching my head the most. These are the nominations the ugly side of me can’t help but root against. I’m like a Muslim rooting against the Danish curling team. And since we’re on this subject, I know the Russians are our pals now and the Cold War is over and everything but am I the only one that gets a little twitch when they win a gold medal? I just had to sit through Eugeni Dementiev’s gold medaling win in Cross-Country Skiing (the weirdest looking sport in the universe perhaps) and listening to the Russian Federation anthem, I can’t help but feel like Rocky Balboa. I’m half-expecting to see a gigantic curtain of Ivan Drago slowly being raised. I know two national anthems by heart: America’s and Ivan Drago’s. Chew on that.
That’s it as far as my bitter side goes. Next time I will be applauding the Academy for five nominations that really made me happy. I just read Apolo Ohno stumbled during the 1,500 meters. Good. That arrogant cat got on my wrong side towards the end of the 2002 games. See, do not cross me, athletes. I will put the jinx on yo ass! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to unrolling a cigar before the next snowboarding event. Feeling good, man.
