Another hallmark of a good year is when you don’t passionately hate a lot of the movies. Granted, I haven’t seen every horror release, including Insidious Chapter 2 (hated the first one), but the majority of the worst-of-the-year list is comprised of disappointments as opposed to truly awful offerings that deserved scorn and ridicule, and there was a lot more to love than hate this year. And without further ado, the list.
Other staff 2013 picks: Managing Editor Ryan Turek / Contributing Writer Ryan Larson
The BEST in no particular order…
Honorable Mention: Horror on television
Has there ever been a time when horror thrived on television the way it does now? With Hannibal, Bates Motel, Grimm, The Following, The Returned, American Horror Story, Sleepy Hollow, The Walking Dead, and Dracula, it feels like the genre is on just about every channel. Sure the quality of these shows runs the gamut, but most of them are either mindless entertainment or really, really good. Plus, after so many years when it seemed like horror on TV ranged from rare to non-existent, it’s cool to have so many options.
The MOST DISAPPOINTING in no particular order…
- Mama: Not terrible, but not very good either. The premise is strong and the leads are talented, but it never manages to rise above mediocrity. There isn’t much suspense and the scares are minimal. The title character fails to register as well. She could have and should have been a memorable new villain, but Mama is passable at best, just like her movie. I was really excited about this one and was underwhelmed overall.
- Texas Chainsaw 3D: Even though it was nothing special, I was having fun with it for a while. Then it (SPOILERS!) suddenly tries to make Leatherface misunderstood and sympathetic, and the heroine actually helps him. WTF? Just stupid and nonsensical, even for something like this. I tuned out from that point on and don’t remember much about what happens after that. It could have been a decent if unremarkable slasher. Instead it ends up being mostly worthless.
- Curse of Chucky: Making Chucky scary again is a great idea, except he was never scary to begin with. The original movie is good, but Chucky himself is not exactly terrifying, not like Michael Myers or Freddy Krueger in their original entries. Writer/director Don Mancini gets an A for effort, and Fiona Dourif is good as the lead, but Chucky still isn’t scary. Most of the time you just wonder how these dopes manage to let a little doll murder them. There’s also a lot of padding/filler to stretch it out to 90 minutes.
- Dark Skies: Again, didn’t hate it, but it’s incredibly “meh.” The strange occurrences, the rearranged household items, the troubled kid, it all feels really played out, very “been there, done that.” Capable leads Josh Hamilton and Keri Russell (not to mention J.K. Simmons) prevent it from being completely without value, but after this one, Priest, and Legion, director Scott Stewart appears to specialize in making average-at-best genre movies.
- Beneath: It seemed so promising. Director Larry Fessenden (Wendigo, The Last Winter) is extremely talented. It features a giant man-eating aquatic creature devouring young people stranded on a lake. And it uses mostly practical effects. Should be a good time right? Sadly it wasn’t meant to be. The characters are insufferable, even for a movie like this, and the creature seems to have about two minutes of screen time. Many of the deaths don’t even involve the huge fish. A huge disappointment.
Dishonorable Mention: Hemlock Grove
The worst of all the horror TV shows, by far. This Netflix show is laughably bad. It looked relatively interesting at first and seemed to promise monsters of some sort (I have no familiarity with the source material). Instead, we got a guy transforming into your garden variety wolf, and enough cringe-inducing melodrama and bad acting for 37 shows on the CW network. It was tough making it through all 13 episodes, and when it was finally over, I immediately regretted not quitting after the first two or three.
Paul Doro's Best of 2013
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Sightseers
Rarely has the horror/comedy balance been pulled off as effectively as it is here. Hilarious, disturbing, and occasionally brutally violent, Ben Wheatley’s (Kill List, A Field in England) film is marvelous. Odd couple Chris and Tina, taking a road trip to strange tourist attractions, are two of the most memorable characters in recent memory. It also features a twisted and absolutely perfect ending. A nasty and perversely enjoyable hybrid.
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We Are What We Are
The year’s best slow-burn horror, drawing logical comparisons to flicks like The House of the Devil. Focusing on the reclusive Parker family, it methodically builds tension and then leaves viewers shaken with an intense, vicious finale. It’s also a fascinating examination of living on the margins in rural America, not totally cut off from society, but not really part of it either. The cast is spectacular, especially Bill Sage as the patriarch and Julia Garner and Ambyr Childers as sisters faced with things teenagers should not have to deal with.
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The Conjuring
This horror fan loathes James Wan. From Saw to Insidious and everything in between, they are full of bad acting, lazy writing, cheap scares, and gore substituting for suspense. I was ready to hate The Conjuring, but the glowing reviews convinced me to check it out. So glad I did. It is genuinely frightening, boasting at least a handful of truly terrifying moments. It is subtle and creepy and a perfect example of using sound, shadows, and the unseen to create nearly unbearable tension. Kudos Mr. Wan. This is an instant classic.
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Evil Dead
It’s been running on Starz a lot lately, and it’s just as entertaining at home as it was in theaters. A remake done right, just like We Are What We Are (they don’t all suck people). It is well-acted and moves like lightning. The gore is incredible and there are squirm-inducing scenes galore. It respects the original without being a dull, pointless copy. Good old-fashioned, gruesome fun, and a blast from start to finish.
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American Mary
A definite surprise, this is an inventive body horror offering that marks directors Jen & Sylvia Soska as ones to watch. Katherine Isabelle stars as a med student with mounting debt who takes a slightly unorthodox job to pay her bills. The world she finds herself in as she performs dangerous body modification surgery is dirty and captivating and just as risky as the procedures she executes. The makeup effects are top-notch and Isabelle is excellent. Great little flick.
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Maniac
Another remake, and another film that turned out to be much better than expected (to start with director Franck Khalfoun’s P2 is pretty wretched). Elijah Wood is surprisingly credible as the killer, and there are some amazing set pieces to go along with the remarkable practical effects. This one doesn’t skimp on the gore, and it’s potent. Seriously gloomy and unsettling, it’s a tough one to sit through, but worth it.
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V/H/S/2
The first one is a solid, admittedly flawed anthology and a great movie to see with a crowd of horror fans. The second one is much better and extremely entertaining. The segments range from good to extraordinary, and The Raid: Redemption director Gareth Evans’s entry is one for the ages. Other tales offer interesting takes on zombies and aliens, and just like the first one it’s a showcase for some of the most promising young directors out there, including the aforementioned Evans, Adam Wingard (who makes this list on the next slide) and Jason Eisener (Hobo with a Shotgun).
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You're Next
Some felt this one was overhyped following very positive buzz and a long delay. This viewer had a total blast with it. The cast is full of familiar and always welcome faces like Joe Swanberg (V/H/S), AJ Bowen (The House of the Devil), and Amy Seimetz (The Killing season 3), the kills are well-staged, brutal, and bloody, and it’s occasionally funny as hell. Best of all, the heroine, played by Sharni Vinson, is awesome and extremely easy to root for. Maybe not quite an instant classic, but definitely a lot of fun and worth seeing.
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Stoker
This one seemed to be divisive. It’s a weird movie no doubt, and so cold it’s hard to love. But it is highly watchable and sort of mesmerizingly odd. The stellar cast goes a long way. Nicole Kidman, Matthew Goode, and particularly Mia Wasikowska are superb. Slow at times, for the most part it is an intriguing look at the kind of messed up family you are relieved to not be a part of. My least favorite on this list, I found myself thinking about it for days after seeing it, and the more I thought about it, the more I think I liked it.
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Warm Bodies
Okay, yes it’s not all that scary and it is more comedy/romance than horror, but it does have zombies and creatures in it. Even better, Nicholas Hoult and Teresa Palmer are painfully likeable and appealing. You really pull for them to make it. It’s also very funny and the soundtrack is outstanding. This one really had no business being any good, but it isn’t surprising that it found an audience back in February. It’s on cable now, and you should make time for it if you haven’t seen it yet.
