Goblin

Now available on DVD

Cast:



Gil Bellows as Neil Perkins



Tracy Spiridakos as Nikki Perkins



Donnelly Rhodes as Charlie



Camille Sullivan as Kate Perkins



Reilly Dolman as Kyle



Andrew Wheeler as Sheriff Milgreen

Directed by Jeffery Scott Lando

Review:

Goblin is one of these horror movies that could be good. Could be good if they scrapped the entire script, didn’t use terrible CGI and feature way too many horror clichés that we’ve seen in 846 other films featuring a nasty creature stalking dumb teens.

Unfortunately, it is a product of the SyFy Channel so right away you pretty much know what you are going to get going in – it is a horror cliché apocalypse.

You’ve got the ancient curse on a small town. The same small town that now lives in fear every Halloween because of a baby-snatching baddie. An out-of-town family visits and gets thrown into the middle of the curse. Giggling horny teens that latch onto anyone with a male chromosome. Same annoying teens that are just used as cannon fodder. The crazy drunk that no one listens to. An ancient object (which is just a stick by the way) that can defeat the big, bad creature.

Not surprisingly, this isn’t the best effort from the cable network that seems to churn and burn these out at an alarming rate.

But all is not lost. Watching Goblin can be very educational.

So I present, the 10 things I learned watching Goblin:



1) You can’t kill disfigured babies with fire, they only come back as hideous, pissed off monsters.



2) Harry Potter isn’t the only one that can levitate a cloak.



3) Offspring generally hate step-mothers regardless of how nice and caring they are.



4) Babies don’t make good companions during business meetings.



5) Creepy twins hate babies.



6) You should never wear stockings on a nature walk.



7) Goblins have the strength of 10 men.



8) Sometimes the town drunk’s crazy ramblings are right.



9) Taking a cloak off a goblin reveals really bad CGI.



10) CGI goblins have tan lines

Needless to say, you can learn a lot from a movie such as this.

The good news is that there is some decent amount of nasty deaths and gore sprinkled in-between this nonsense, so at least Goblin has that going for it. The trouble is that the one person that you actually care the least about – the spoiled brat daughter with a sense of entitlement – is the heroine in the flick and you keep cheering for this CGI abomination to take her out.