Now available on DVD
Cast:
Sandra Paduch as Isabella
Danielle Lilley as Jamie
Mia Yi as Melanie
Angela Brunda as Caroline
Jennifer Barnett as Stephanie
Veronica Garcia as The Driver
Directed by Greg Swinson, Ryan Thiessen
Review:
“Unwatchable” is not a term I throw around often but Five Across the Eyes is a project that warrants it. Notice I did not say film, since this is more akin to a 90-minute YouTube video. Trying to make a movie on a shoestring budget is admirable, but lack of money is no excuse for terrible writing and nauseating camerawork. It is also marred by wooden acting, grainy film quality, and one annoying villain. Amateur-film snobs will try to convince you that this is daring and unique, when in truth it is just your typical shock schlock.
On their way back from a football game, five young girls in a van take a detour that leads them into the middle of nowhere. When they accidentally hit a parked SUV, the girls panic and flee the scene, assuming the owner did not see them. Their mistake soon catches up with them when the SUV (now with one working headlight) corners them in the secluded woods. The girls are confronted by an angry, shotgun-wielding woman who forces them to strip and do other demeaning things before she ultimately drives off. They are safe for the moment, but soon thereafter the crazy lady returns and continues to torment them for the duration of the story.
From the very beginning, the low production value is obvious. Some cell phones shoot better footage than this. Nonetheless, grainy visuals can be forgiven when backed up by good filmmaking or talented actors. Unfortunately, Five has neither. While the five young actresses do give cringe-worthy performances, the most aggravating part is the camerawork. Directors Greg Swinson and Ryan Thiessen go overboard with their handheld approach, as the camera darts around inside the van. The filmmakers seem to believe that inconsistent shots and a lack of framing builds tension. On the contrary, the result is a nausea-inducing, blurry mess. Sometimes it is impossible to follow what is going on.
Swinson’s screenplay is equally disappointing. Most of the girls’ dialogue is either meaningless drivel or completely unrealistic. The actresses themselves are probably not as bad as they come across, since the dialogue they are forced to say sounds so wooden and forced. The story itself is extremely repetitious – the villain torments them, then they get away, then she torments them again, then they escape againâ¦and so on. There is literally nothing else. The female villain is not menacing and should have been a lot smarter. Horror is better when the killer is the silent type who stalks and outwits their victim. Instead, “the Driver” simply comes running and screaming out of her SUV every twenty minutes and a dull torture session ensues.
Swinson also resorts to cheap shock tactics. He manages to incorporate urination, feces, lots of vomiting, rape/sodomy, and of course general torture. It is over-the-top and never scary – just the usual attempt to be more shocking than the rest. Many of these torture-filled films have been called misogynist by critics in the past, and usually I disagree. However, Five starts to push that envelope. Just because the villain is also a woman does not make it any less misogynistic to watch the leads get sexually assaulted repeatedly. I enjoy a brutal horror film as much as any hardened genre fan, but this is just trashy torture porn. Even gore hounds will be disappointed since the torture itself typically occurs off-screen. Nobody wins here.
There is literally only one interesting aspect about this movie, and that is the fact that every shot is from within the van. Even when the action moves outside, the camera stays positioned inside the van and records the girls via the windshield, an open door, or a side mirror. While it usually makes for a hideous shot, at least it proves the filmmakers made an active attempt to do something unique here. Most of their intentions with this project were probably good ones; they were just horribly misguided and/or poorly executed.
Only two minutes into Five Across the Eyes, I wanted to turn it off. Still, I kept hoping it would pleasantly surprise me. As that possibility dimmed, I simply wished for the leads to die fantastically horrible deaths. Even that satisfaction never came. This movie was shot in Morristown, Tennessee, where The Evil Dead was filmed in 1980. Clearly, Swinson and Thiessen were attempting to emulate Sam Raimi a bit with their dizzying camerawork and shocking content. However, Evil Dead worked because it had solid writing and genuine scares. Instead, Five comes across like the retarded lovechild of Hostel and Duel.
