SHOCK recaps last night’s AMERICAN HORROR STORY: HOTEL episode. SPOILER ALERT!
Alexs infection is complete. Her temperature is 75.5, and she looks like death. Luckily Mrs. Ellison is too worried about her son, Max, to notice. Maxs pneumonia is turning to staph, and the nurses ask Mrs. Ellison if she wants to sign a DNR. All Alex can focus on is Mrs. Ellisons pulsing vein. At her first chance, Alex escapes to the blood bank and devours several bags. Feeling much better, she injects a vial of her own blood into Maxs IV drip. He seizes, flatlines, then wakes. By the next morning, Max is 100% better. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, he is discharged.
Max is well enough to go to school on Halloween, dressed as a pirate. Before he leaves, he forgoes a traditional bacon and eggs breakfast to feast on his parents. At school, he gets in trouble for bringing a plastic sword with his costume. Luckily he brought a backup knife, tucked in his boot. Max and a classmate, Madeline, sneak into a closet while the rest of the class decorates for the Halloween party. Maddy leans in to kiss Max, who bites her lip. Then he bites his own lip so she can taste his blood. When the teacher notices the kids are missing, she finds Maddy in the closet, convulsing. As she rushes to help the student, Max comes out of his hiding place and stabs the teacher. The kids feed on her.
As the principal is walking the halls, a kid in a dinosaur costume stumbles out of the class. Concerned, the principal steps into the class and finds all the children on the floor, wailing. Maddy is still drinking the teacher, and Max stabs the principal. He encourages the rest of the kids to feed, promising they will feel awesome. The principal isnt dead, and after a few minutes he manages to fight off the kids and run to the front office. The girls in the office are horrified and rush to stem the bleeding while putting the school on lockdown.
By the time the SWAT team arrives, the adults are all dead, and the kids are hiding in an air duct. The SWAT officers usher them out to their waiting parents, and officers who take their statements. All the kids have the same story: it was just one man, dressed in black, wearing a mask.
A new couple checks into the Hotel Cortez: Justin and a girlfriend. I didnt catch her name; Im going to call her Jess. Justin and Jess are the stereotypical, horrible hipsters. All their neighbors started pooping out kids, so now their neighborhood is overrun by trick or treaters. They need to hide out at the hotel for a night, and they heard Will Drake was renovating the place. When they find out that he hasnt actually started the renovation, they struggle between which is worse: trick or treaters, or poly-cotton blend sheets. The hotel wins out, but they demand better linens and make Iris feel like shit the entire time she checks them in.
The hipsters call down for room service, and their ridiculous palettes demand artisanal cheeses, grilled romaine, and pâte. Iris is fed up with their dictates, so Liz helps her with some revenge: serving up cat food as pâte. The pair bond during their trickery, and Iris finally gets the nerve to ask how Liz became Liz.
The year was 1984. Back then, Liz Taylor was Nick, a married man from Topeka. His wife, Tracy, was 30 and by Topeka standards, I guess that meant she was an old maid. Nick married her because they were the same dress size. They had a child, but Nick was miserable. His only sanctuary were his frequent business trips as a medical supplies salesperson. There, he would dress up in womens clothing in the privacy of his hotel room. On his trip to Los Angeles, he and his coworkers were put up at the Cortez. Nick was feeling particularly good and ordered a bottle of champagne to his room. The concierge left it at his door so he could pull it in quickly without having to change. When he turned around, he discovered the Countess in his room. Nick is both terrified and ashamed. You dress like a man, but you smell like a woman. Your blood, she purrs. Nick starts to sob because the Countess is so beautiful and he felt so ugly. You dont lack beauty; you lack commitment, the Countess observes, and asks to help turn him into a goddess.
The Countess shaves Nicks head and gives him a makeover, then christens him Liz Taylor. She wants to take him dancing at the Roxy, but he isnt ready to go out like this. The countess accepts this, then suggests a smaller gesture: walking down the hall to get some ice. He agrees, and creeps out nervously. A maid in the hall glances at him but says nothing, and the longer Liz is out in the hall, the more confident he feels. He is flat-out strutting on his way back to his room – but then he runs into his coworkers. They freak out, call him a fag, and accuse him of having AIDS. Liz begs them to let him be, but this is the homophobic 1980s. Im not gay! Liz screams, pushing the men off him. The Countess is there, and slits their throats.
The countess didnt infect Liz; she hired him instead. He never went back home and doesnt talk to his kids, but he sent them money until they were 18. Iris thinks he is brave; Liz thinks she is brave, too. Lets teach those hipsters some manners.
Iris delivers the pâte to the rude hipsters, and the girl goes ballistic when she sees they didnt get any greens. Justin says at least the pâte is serviceable. But the hipsters are mad because Iris seems ill; then they are mad that she dropped a knife. The hipsters threaten Iris, and she loses her shit. She takes a corkscrew to the girl; a knife to the guy; and drinks their blood. You think the world didnt exist before you were born? I MATTER!! Later, she and Liz dispose of the bodies down the laundry chute and share the wine the hipsters never had a chance to finish.
The Countess brings Holden to see Alex. He is pleased because she looks just like him. Does that mean you will stay with me forever? he asks. The Countess assures him that she can stay as long as she likes – as long as she obeys the rules. And the rules are simple: Alex is put in charge of the children. She will be the new governess. Alex is concerned about running into John at the hotel, but the Countess assures her that there are wondrous possibilities with a simple hello. I take this as a subtle lesson in compulsion. It is time for Alex to put Holden to bed. They go to the empty pool, and see holdens coffin has been replaced by a double wide. Holden and Alex climb in together and hold each other while they sleep.
Also: After filing his insane police report about his dinner with dead serial killers, John is dismissed from the force. Later (I dont really understand how this timeline works) John wakes to find himself in bed with Sally. He insists that he has no memory of what happened (they fucked) and Sally knows he is lying. He throws her out of his room, which certainly pisses off Sally. And Donovan has convinced Ramona that Iris is the perfect person to get close to the Countess.
