The story of the little red-headed orphan who warms the heart of a billionaire is one of the most famous in all of musical theater history. This is mainly due to the fact it has inspired countless little girls to annoyingly sing. The story has already been given two screen adaptations, one for the big screen in 1982 by John Huston and one for the small screen in 1999 by Rob Marshall. So, instead of Sony trying to adapt a musical that has not made it to the screen yet, they have decided to go to the Annie well once more. But this time the plot, setting, and music have been updated for 2014. The result is one of the most charmless movie musicals I have seen in some time.
I knew I was in for trouble when the first scene of the film contains two groan-worthy winks at the audience (something that will continue throughout the whole movie). We open on a little girl (Taylor Richardson, who recently played Annie in the Broadway revival) with the traditional Annie look giving a class presentation on Herbert Hoover. Then they “shake things up” when the teacher calls on the new Annie (Quvenzhané Wallis), who we will follow for this movie. She gives her presentation on Franklin D. Roosevelt. Get it? Because he was in the original show. Are you enjoying yourself yet?
This Annie is not an orphan, and she does not like to be called one (updated!). She is a foster kid under the care of the boozy Miss Hannigan (Cameron Diaz), a former backup singer for C+C Music Factory. When Annie is recklessly chasing a dog one day, she bumps into billionaire cell phone mogul and mayoral candidate Will Stacks (Jamie Foxx; updated!), who saves her from an oncoming truck. The video of this goes viral, and Stacks’ campaign advisor (Bobby Cannavale) sees this as an opportunity to help boost Stacks’ image. So, naturally, she is invited to live with him in exchange for photo opportunities and whatnot. You know what happens from there.
I was not a fan of Wallis in Beasts of the Southern Wild, and here, her weaknesses as an actor are even more apparent. She cannot deliver the comedic bits. She cannot express the dramatic ones. Her Annie has no underlying depression and is just a precocious bubble of sass from start to finish. So many quips… For instance, in the scene I mentioned where she runs into Stacks, he asks her “Why are you running?” which is a perfectly legitimate question. She responds with the snarky, “It gets me places quicker.” That is not true at all. You were chasing a dog. I get you wanted to have a quippy line, but it just does not make sense in context.
However, Wallis does not truly embarrass herself. That honor goes to Cameron Diaz, who is nails on a chalkboard in every scene she is in. Her “drunk” acting is some of the most unconvincing I have seen this side of primetime network multi-cam sitcoms. You never believe for a second she is a threat to these kids living under her roof at all. Cannavale is almost as cringe-inducing, doing really broad, villainy schtick. The only member of the cast who comes out almost unscathed is Rose Byrne, who has some funny moments as Stacks’ right-hand.
Now, I need to talk about the music. I could probably go on for thousands of words about just how badly the music is produced, but I will try to keep my gripes to a minimum. A key component of a musical is obviously singing. There is an old adage that when you cannot speak anymore, you have to sing. The singing expresses the most inner, raw emotion the character has. So, when the music has been processed to a synthetic mess and the vocals have been auto-tuned within an inch of its life, none of that emotion can come through. It just sounds like a computer making noise loudly. You cannot connect with the characters because none of it feels real.
The producers (which include Jay-Z and Will Smith) wanted to update the music to fit with popular music of today. Songwriters Sia and Greg Kurstin were brought on to arrange this classic score by Charles Strouse and Martin Charnin, and they basically consolidated every song to sound like a typical pop tune, complete with synths, electronic drum kits, etc. This also goes for the four new songs added to the film. The problem is that these songs were written in a way to tell a story and expound on character. Songs in a musical should not be crafted to serve as neat, tidy radio plays, which is what these songs turned into.
Director Will Gluck (Easy A) also has no idea how to stage a musical number. The big finale song, “I Don’t Need Anything But You”, was one of the most awkward scenes I have seen all year. Annie and Will Stacks are kind of dancing and a group of civilians just stand around them and watch. It was bad singing, bad dancing, bad staging, bad framing, and just bad all around.
I could talk about the needless modernization of this story, such as naming Sandy the dog after the hurricane and not just because of its fur color. I could talk about the horrible decision to have Miss Hannigan redeem herself. I could talk about having Tracie Thoms in your movie for five minutes and not having her sing being a very dumb decision. I could talk about how Annie waits outside a restaurant every Friday night, hoping to see her parents, and the name of the restaurant is Italian for “Tomorrow”. I could talk about a lot of different issues with this film, but I think I have gotten mad enough here. This is not a good movie in the slightest, and Rose Byrne’s charm is really the only reason this film is not getting a F grade. This movie was punishing to watch.
