The Three Musketeers was clearly conceived as a franchise-starter and a predecessor of sorts to the fading Pirates of the Caribbean series. Hell, they even went as far as casting the now-unhirable Orlando Bloom as one of the lead villains. But as tired as the Pirates franchise may be after four films, even its most mediocre entries fare better than cheap imitators like The Three Musketeers.
But why is the film even called The Three Musketeers in the first place? Our hero is D’Artagnan, a teenage swordsman played by Logan Lerman (Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief). He brings the three veteran Musketeers out of retirement and fights alongside them in hopes of stopping Bloom, Christoph Waltz and Milla Jovovich from starting a war between France and England, though everyone appears British since no one uses a French accent.
Only the first ten minutes of the film, complete with The Good, The Bad and The Ugly-inspired character introductions really focus on the Musketeers. By the 30-minute mark Lerman’s character has, for all intents and purposes, realized his lifelong dream of becoming a Musketeer. So why not just call the film The Musketeer? Or even The Four Musketeers? They must have been saving that for a sequel I hope we’ll never have to see.
Director Paul W.S. Anderson (Resident Evil) attempts to update the story for the post-Matrix generation and borrows from everything from 300 and The Bourne Identity to Ocean’s Eleven, while constantly bombarding us with slow-motion swordplay, lavish costumes and cheesy one-liners.
Problem is, the film is never funny. Or even fun. It has neither the creative writing nor the acting talent to pull it off, and not a single character is interesting enough to get invested in. Characters are introduced on the fly and we’re expected to care about them just because they come from a poor family or show the baddies some attitude.
Storytelling and character development got completely lost as the screenwriters loaded the film with more villains than you’d likely find in an entire superhero trilogy. The plot is nearly impossible to follow, to the point that all we’re left with is dueling airships, some big explosions and a ton of cleavage.
The film is visually quite nice and the locations come across nicely on the Blu-ray, as does the music, even if it noticeably apes Hans Zimmer’s Pirates score. Too bad Anderson cuts too rapidly during the action sequences for us to appreciate any of the fight choreography. In addition to a director’s commentary, the disc also offers a few deleted scenes, featurettes and “Access: Three Musketeers,” which allows you to watch the movie with corresponding trivia and behind-the-scenes looks.
When you see a film this bad, you at least want to be able to laugh at it. The Three Musketeers is even too bland and generic for that. It’s extremely rare that I advise people against merely renting a movie, but it’s hard to imagine anyone coming away from The Three Musketeers feeling anything but defeated and exhausted. No one deserves that, even if all it costs you is two hours and a few dollars.
The Three Musketeers attempts to deliver both swashbuckling adventure and 17th century political drama and becomes little more than a nonsensical mess. If it’s swashbuckling you want, there are plenty of better choices out there (John Carter, for one). If you want more of the political stuff, check out Anonymous, which, after looking at the box-office totals, I’m fairly certain you didn’t see. It’s a hell of a lot more fun, imaginative and has far more interesting characters played by better actors.
