There are films so bad that you curse the heavens for having sent you into their path. These are those films. Right here, right now.
Well, maybe not right now. First let’s talk about the films that were bad, but not top ten bad.
Apocalypto: It gets sillier every day how much love this got. All the critics lined up lockstep because they couldn’t bear the truth; sometimes noble attempts suck hard.
Poseidon: I have to wonder, is this the film we look back on to determine exactly where Josh Lucas’ career fizzled?
Harsh Times: There is this one part near the end where Christian Bale says “Man, I’m so faded.” It’s like he watched “MTV Raps!†to get ready for the role.
Art School Confidential: This was like a student film that any good professor would have flunked.
#10 Click
Brad has made the point that I knew it would be bad, thus it can’t be that bad. Well, I know being set on fire would be bad too, but I’m not rushing out to buy gasoline. I want my two hours back Sandler, this is your second year in a row on the list.
#9 The Wild
This was the only first run movie I’ve ever seen that I dozed off for a few minutes in. When I awoke things were exactly as I knew they’d be, still awful.
#8 Eight Below
So there are these dogs that are stuck in Antarctica for a few months. The story is; do they get saved or no? This takes about an hour of screen time. Guess what happens? I’ve now saved you eight bucks.
#7 The Science of Sleep
Crazy enough, Gondry has a film on both the “best” and “worst” lists. That’s range! This one is just about unwatchable. It mixes boredom with confusion in a very unique way.
#6 Firewall
The studios have improved at the suspense action genre as a whole, they’ve got better comedy and bigger stars than they did a few decades ago. This is a throwback to disgusting dialogue and crazy illogical happenings. Super horrible.
#5 Little Man
Bad concept, bad acting, no laughs, and the Wayans morons. This money not going to charity is an actual crime against man.
#4 Flags of our Fathers
The reason it is so crappy is the 400 billion themes it tries for. It’s the opposite of complex; it’s poo thrown on canvas. Unless the lesson of this one is that movies aren’t something you want to watch than I’d say it didn’t make sense to me.
#3 Little Children
People will tell you it’s art because they want to seem smarter than you. However, if you break this thing down in a true intellectual manner you’ll find the plot doesn’t tie together and the book it was based upon has been fully raped of all decency. It would be the worst of the year if we didn’t get a Winslet sex scene.
#2 Shaggy Dog
Incredibly stupid, the tale of a shaggy dog running around and pretending he’s Tim Allen. The sad part is the dog is believable. The rest of it will kill your brain like crack cocaine.
#1 Bubble
This is the cure for insomnia. Nothing happens. Unknown actors who can’t act. No plot, no suspense, no laughs. Drab colors and no music. Brilliant! I’ve actually decided to make this the worst film of the decade a few years in advance. I just like its chances.
