If a year ago I told you two Paul Walker films were going to be in this weekend’s top ten you’d probably first ask me who my connection was. Then you’d wonder what kind of range our boy Walker (Texas Ranger) has. I’ll tell you what kind of range my sister from another mister, he’s in a kid’s film by Disney and an R rated shoot em’ up that features a sexually explicit game on its official website. I can’t recommend trying that puppy out enough, it is truly shocking. You won’t see it coming. After you do er.. um, one of the tasks just remember that kids are seeing your boy Paul Walker in a Disney film and try not to throw up. Nuff said.
Running Scared is the aforementioned film that’s hoping to scare up an audience via shock. I would LOVE to give this one the top slot because it has the most interesting marketing campaign but the flick is severly hamstrung by theater counts and that R rating. Ye Gods, if I ran the world ALL marketing would be based on lovely dames.
The next two movies are not nearly as fun. Madea’s Family Reunion seems to be going after that elusive Grandma audience. I don’t know about you but there are about a hundred better things I can imagine doing then this, hell twenty or so of them involve cheese alone. I don’t know who the market is, clearly they don’t either or we would have seen some explicit grandma action. Doogal is another in the long line of kid’s films sent to haunt my dreams. I know this month is used to torture real movie lovers, but why must we reward the younglings? Why don’t they have to take a beating too? This one will crack the top three based on theater counts but it won’t win my fickle heart.
Lastly I’ll give a shout out to Tsotsi which opens real small but was nominated for an Oscar in the foreign film category. Director Gavin Hood seems to be a neat guy and I’m hoping this film makes a little noise, but I’m not holding my breath because February chews up good film and spits the bad stuff up to the top. I’ll get my meds and get rid of this bitter because it is ORACLE time, the feel good, the BIG LOVE!
1. Eight Below $13.1m
I’ll tell you what’s below my belly… oh wait, I can’t see below my belly. Damn you slowing metabolism!
2. The Pink Panther $12.0m
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this. Sadly those people are one day old.
3. Doogal $11.9m
If you Google Doogal you can’t roll with iambic pentameter.
4. Date Movie $11.3m
I went on a Dizz-ate with your mom the other day. Sorry to have to break it to you in column format.
5. Running Scared $10.1m
I tell you who is running scurred – The FCC. Or some parent’s association. All the censors in the world because that website is SMOKIN’.
6. Madea’s Family Reunion $8.3m
I refuse to comment on this unless congress votes on it… and honestly then I’ll probably veto it. Just keep that in mind.
7. Curious George $7.0m
Curious George of the Jungle Book is the movie I gots to see.
8. Final Destination 3 $5.2m
My final destination this evening is a whiskey bar. Meet me there.
9. Firewall $5.1m
WALL of FIRE is the next Harrison Ford project. It’s about him walking on hot rocks like the Buddhist.
10. Freedomland $4.5
They tappin’ our phones, they takin’ our money, they killin’ our kids. Okay, not the last one but let’s not throw out the baby with the bathwater.
Don’t you dare buy this because I’m already filthy rich. If you are aching to talk to the dude send an email to the dude’s first nombre at the google mail service. All the cool kids should know it by now. Word is bond.
