Three major releases this weekend, none of which will set the movie world on fire with desire. The one minor release I love opens in a monstrous seven theatres in NYC and L.A. These bastards can only open bad films wide. That’s the problem with Ghana right there. Okay, so let’s chat new releases and then just to appease my shattered soul we’ll get into that one release that only four people can see..
Date Movie is the most promising of the wide releases. It’s got Alyson Hannigan and Fred Willard so it might deliver on the funny. Plus, let’s face it, romantic comedies have deserved a send-up for about three decades. I don’t think this will be a great effort but it will be enough to win a weak February.
The next contender for the crown is Eight Below. It is getting nice word of mouth which is weird because it’s pretty bad. I read one review that said Paul Walker got out acted by the dogs. Not nice people, not nice. I think at least one of those dogs phoned it in.
Freedomland is the other entry and I’d have to call it a darkhorse. I’ve seen the trailers and have been underwhelmed but there seems to be just enough mystery there to bring in some curious souls. It will need a big splash because word of mouth should be slight.
The other film opening which you’ll never hear of again is Winter Passing. This flick has gone through serious distribution problems over the past couple years but I have no idea why unless the subject matter isn’t considered inspired enough. In a perfect world films like this would be Oscar nominated. It this world few will appreciate it.
1. Date Movie $19.7m
It will bring some of the noise and a prerequisite amount of the funk needed to roll in number one. American needs a laugh.
2. Eight Below $16.5m
For the record the temperature was way below eight below for most of this film. They should give more credit where it’s due.
3. Freedomland $15.1m
Weird name for this one. Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose and starvation’s just another word for nothing left to eat. Remember, all this wisdom is free of charge.
4. The Pink Panther $11.5m
This Panther bit me real good last weekend, the kitty had claws. It was like revisiting my “zoo incident” all over again, mace and all.
5. Final Destination 3 $10.4m
The final destination is death, it’s just a turn of phrase. Do you think the Olympic orchestra learns all the anthems? I could see Luxemburg winning and just getting blank stares from the orchestra pit.
6. Curious George $7.7m
I’m still not curious. Not even remotely. It would most likely take prescription medication to rouse my curiosity.
7. Firewall $6.2m
Oddly enough firewall’s are never talked about in this film. It’s kind of like that bio they did about me called “Asian Girl”.
8. Nanny Mcphee $5.0m
Anybody got a light? Just add an “L” to the end of the title and you’ve got your naughty film title you scoundrels.
9. Big Momma’s House 2 $4.5m
No me gusta Gordo Mama’s Casa Dos. If I had a dollar for every time this film made a dollar I’d be rich.
10. When a Stranger Calls $3.7
Just hang up. Our classmate of the week is Jody Jones. She ran track and won elections, she was Americana through and through, she was the unicorn. Godspeed Jones, Godspeed.
If you’d like to see a golden pig click here. If you are aching to talk to the dude send an email to the dude’s first nombre at the Google mail service. All the cool kids should know it by now.
